This year didn’t get off to a great start for me.
On Friday 27 December I was admitted to hospital with severe idiopathic acute pancreatitis and by Monday I was in intensive care. It’s incredible how quickly our little bodies can become so very vulnerable and within the space of four days I was tentatively making preparations with my family incase I didn’t come home.
Obviously I did come home and I have been recovering, but the recovery feels slow and progress seems uncertain with another day back in A&E thinking I would be readmitted. I am on a diet of almost 0% fat yet I am still a little jaundiced some days and have had very little energy. Obviously all my work, clients and groups, had to be suspended.
After being home a week or so, we were hit by one of the biggest storms that Ireland has ever experienced. We had large trees fall in our garden, blocking our driveway and breaking our internet cable. Like many others, we lost electricity, water, internet and phone coverage for four days. After four days, the electricity returned and after six days, the water returned.
In the middle of the cold, dark, water-less days, I had to have one of my foster kittens put to sleep. He was only nine months old. Bye bye sweet Bageera. That same day, my family discovered that the theatre that we use for our musicals had had the roof damaged during the storm and asbestos was discovered. This rendered the theatre unusable and we had only one week to relocate our production!
I am listing these things, not for sympathy, but to highlight something that I think is really important to mention. Sometimes really horrible things happen in life and they are really difficult to deal with! In a society that promotes positive thinking and gratitude, we could feel like we are not allowed to have any negative thoughts or any ingratitude for the events in our life. Worse still, with so much talk of ‘manifesting’ whatever you want in your life, we could somehow feel that we have brought difficulties upon ourselves!
So yes, sometimes, very unexpected and very unpleasant events happen. These events are often out of our control and often coincide with other equally unpleasant events. This is not nice, not welcome and not fair, and it would be normal and healthy to feel some difficult emotions in response to these difficult events.
As we feel the emotions of grief, anxiety, powerlessness, fear, frustration, sadness, anger, hopelessness etc, we have an opportunity to process and move through them – feeling and releasing. The alternative, which often accompanies toxic positivity, is a burying and bottling of the emotion and this in turn condemns us to continue to carry that difficult emotion deep within us. We may have a smile on our face, but our heart could be hurt and heavy.
It takes courage to allow ourselves to feel these more challenging emotions. It takes courage to allow it in others too. I remember how painfully difficult it was for me to allow my son to feel his rage when he felt so distraught over having type 1 diabetes and having to put about fifteen needles into his little body every day. However, the more I acknowledged the awfulness of it, the unfairness of it and his right to be frustrated, the more swiftly he processed the rage, felt validated, felt honoured, and could move through into other emotions, often tears of sadness and then giggles and then very often a game of basketball or badminton!
So, when difficult things happen, please allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. This is normal and appropriate and does not mean you will get stuck in these emotions. Honour the awfulness and then see what comes next.
I think because I could acknowledge the awfulness of my January, I could acknowledge the beautiful moments in it too. There is nothing quite like being wished ‘happy new year’ as you lie in ICU. The hospital staff followed up their well wishes with, ‘it can only get better!’. It certainly puts things into perspective and I do feel deeply grateful to be alive and to be home with my gorgeous family.
I do also feel renewed appreciation for the home comforts of electricity and water and I am mindful of those in other houses still waiting and for those in other countries who struggle without such amenities for months or even years.
I am so happy that we felt the love and support of our local community and we were able to transfer our production to another venue and had a successful musical weekend, finishing last night. See LoughreaYouthTheatre.com for more about my work with this amazing group!
I am grateful that our little foster kitten had nine happy months of love and cuddles, rather than no life at all.
I am also feeling deep appreciation for the therapeutic work that I feel privileged to continue to do. I am thankful that I will be starting back this week and will be able to journey with more precious humans.
Over the years of my life, I have learnt not to expect fairness in the world. If I expect fairness I will be sorely disappointed and will end up torturing myself with ‘why did this happen?’ or ‘this should not have happened’. It’s easier on my heart to not expect fairness. Unfair and difficult things do happen and will continue to happen and when they do, I allow myself to feel the difficult emotions that will naturally come too.
So it’s not a case of being positive or negative, rather we can feel the full repertoire of human emotions, often at the same time. We can feel deeply sad and joyful. We can feel afraid and grateful. We can feel anxious and inspired. Please give yourself permission to feel all of your feelings, especially when you experience difficulties in life.
Thank you for taking some time to read this. I hope it helps a little as you navigate your own challenges. I’m really hoping for some gentle months for us all!
