There is a lot of self-help and psycho-education available on the internet and some of it is super helpful. Unfortunately, some of it is not so helpful and could inadvertently leave us feeling a little discouraged and with a long list of things we feel we ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ do. Sometimes the message received is, ‘I could be happy if I just stopped my old patterns’ or ‘I should be doing this or that better’ or ‘I have to learn to trust people’ or ‘I ought to be able to manage this’ or ‘I need to let down the walls I’ve built’ or ‘I should be letting go of this defence mechanism’ or ‘I need to work on this’. Even just typing that list feels heavy!
It’s so important for us to remember to be super respectful of where we are right now and to be very gentle with any desire to ‘change’ or ‘fix’ something within ourselves. According to Carl Rogers, “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Ironically we so often want to skip past the acceptance piece and just get to the change part!
I sometimes illustrate the need to be respectful of where we are with a survival kit – your survival kit.
Your survival kit
Imagine that you have been in the jungle for the last twenty years. You’ve literally carried all of your resources with you each day. You’ve had the same hat protecting you from the sun. You’ve carried a small tarp with you that has been your shelter from the rainstorms at night. You have a pair of worn boots that have carried you through the roughest terrain. You have a machete that has helped you cut through deep foliage and helped to protect you from wild animals. You have a few layers of worn clothing that have journeyed with you through these past twenty years. Everything you have carried has helped you survive to today! How precious are each of the items in your survival kit? How attached would you understandably be to each of them? How keen would you be to just throw it all away? Why on earth would you even want to do so?
So let’s be super respectful of the survival kit! Every element is there for a reason and has been needed! We can only even consider putting down any aspect of it, if we are fully convinced that it is safe to do so, that we know we can pick it up again if we want or need to, and that it is always our choice and at our pace.
Now there are a few possibilities… maybe you are no longer in the jungle or maybe you are not in the jungle every day. Maybe you have some safe havens in your life. Maybe some elements of your survival kit are a little uncomfortable to wear or heavy to carry in these less-jungle-like environments. Maybe there are times when taking off your hat might feel quite refreshing. Maybe taking off your boots would feel more comfortable. Maybe putting down the machete would give you a break, because it is quite heavy. Maybe taking off a layer would be pleasant.
Whatever makes up our own ‘survival kit’ is there for a reason and we carry it because of the various ‘jungles’ we have been in. Maybe we needed to learn how to navigate a neglectful or abusive environment. Maybe we had to survive living with an emotionally immature parent or narcissistic parent. Maybe we had to survive bullying at school or an unhealthy adult relationship. Whatever strategies we have had to implement to survive to today – let’s be super respectful of them. They are part our survival kit! We need only consider putting any of them down if we feel truly safe enough to do so.
So go gently with yourself today. Please don’t judge your internal mechanisms or patterns. Just notice them and acknowledge how they have served you. Treasure them and accept them. With this softer and appreciative approach, you will feel safer and safer and recognise that at least with yourself – you are no longer in danger in the jungle.
